“PROJECT SEMICOLON IS A GLOBAL NON-PROFIT MOVEMENT DEDICATED TO PRESENTING HOPE AND LOVE FOR THOSE WHO ARE STRUGGLING WITH MENTAL ILLNESS, SUICIDE, ADDICTION AND SELF-INJURY. PROJECT SEMICOLON EXISTS TO ENCOURAGE, LOVE AND INSPIRE.

STAY STRONG; LOVE ENDLESSLY; CHANGE LIVES”

Never have I been medically diagnosed with a mental illness so some of you may wonder why exactly I got this tattoo. Little do most people know, there was a time in my life that I could have ended my story, but I chose not to.

Semicolon

In middle school I had a troubled mind to say the least! It was that period that everyone of us has gone through where we started to figure out who we were. The thing was, I had a very hard time with that. I never had to control my emotions; I didn’t know how to cope with anger and sadness. It caused a lot of pain inside. It really didn’t help that my support system was minimal. You remember how a friendship worked in middle school… You were best friends until things got tough. Remember what a great relationship you had with your parents too? Yeah that made things really hard. I can’t remember many times that me and my mother weren’t yelling at each other. All these emotions and nobody to really talk to about what was going on inside me with fear of being made fun of or judged or told to just deal with it caused a lot of pain mentally. I’m not talking about mental pain that you’re kind of upset, I’m talking about the pain that is so large that you physically are weak, you feel sick and your muscles ache. This pain became so normal to me. This pain is what led to my self-harm.

(There’s a deeper story as to what was going on in my life but I’ll keep it short and simple for the sake of this post)

Self-harm is such a difficult thing to go through. Once you feel the “relief” it brings to all the emotions and pain that was built up inside of you, it becomes something you like; it helps you cope. I became the one thing that I knew to do to deal with all the anger/sadness/frustration that came with life. The relief in physical pain is such a hard sensation to explain. Most people don’t understand it, but I know that there are some of you reading this that know what I mean when I say that physically hurting myself brought so much relief. It became a daily thing. My body is covered in scars that constantly remind me of my past. Self-harm is no joke. It’s not a cry for attention, its not trying to kill yourself, its the only way people have learned to deal with the mental pain. Its a crappy way, but its what I knew. It is such a temporary fix; it doesn’t do anything for you long term. You feel so much better after, but a couple hours later, the pain is back.

The self-harm went on for awhile, and my emotions only got worse and worse. When my friends found out, they wanted nothing to do with me. My school counselor found out and called my mom. I had to go to counseling and my mom would “check” me to see if I had cuts on my body. I hated my counselors, they made me fell like crap and assumed things about my life. I eventually shut down. I was full of more pain now than I had ever been. It got bad – really bad. I struggled so much with this pain inside, I cried (a lot), I fought with my mom, I hid my cuts and burns better. It seems so silly now, but it got to the point that I wanted to end my life. I just wanted all this pain inside of me to be GONE.

I got too close to even talk about to ending my life one day. It came out of nowhere and it scared me. The fact that I had so much pain in my life that I wanted to die was not okay to me. Looking back, the day I almost took my life is was the turning point in my life.

I was attending church regularly through all this, but I actually began to listen to the messages after that day. I found God’s love and his mercy. He slowly began to take away my pain. I specifically remember worshiping, actually worshiping – opening my heart to the words I was singing, during SWITCH and feeling that same euphoria that self-harm gave me (this is the reason that worship is my favorite part of church).

My relationship with my parents began to get better, I started to get my friends back, I began to feel happiness. It was a very slow process feeling completely “normal”, but I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I still struggled with hurting myself, but it wasn’t on a daily basis anymore. I didn’t feel the need to all the time. I had God to give my pain to. I struggled with self-harm up until my senior year, but I can proudly say that the last time I harmed myself was September of 2012. It’s an accomplishment for me because to this day, I still struggle with wanting to self-harm. When I get that thought in my head I think back to the days that it got so bad I became suicidal, I turn my heart to God and I pray for relief! He takes away my pain inside.

When I look at this tattoo, its a daily reminder of how my life used to be. It shows me that my life is not bad, it could always be worse. It reminds me to give my pain to God and not try to find relief in the physical pain. It gives me hope.

A semicolon represents a sentence an author could have ended, but chose not to. I am the author and the sentence is my life. My semicolon; my life was on the verge of ending, but it was God that turned my life around.